Told You I'd Forget

One week in, and I already dropped the ball. While falling asleep last night (Sat), I realized I didn't do a Five for Friday post. So, today I'll do a Five for Sunday. Or maybe a Six for Sunday? I'll see how it goes.

Here is what caught my attention this week:

5. What is it with people who pronounce words with a hard "g"? Is it a cultural thing or does it depend on what part of the country you're from? Either way, it's "long", not "lonG", ugh.


4. My lovely friend Billie Anne got my gift certificate for a mani-pedi to thank me for occasionally watching her adorable son Will. Which was completely unnecessary. I switched from my usual pedicure color of Cajun Shrimp to I Mainely Eat Lobster. As you can see, I'm really shaking things up with the change.

Cajun Shrimp

I Mainely Eat Lobster

3. Speaking of nails, I NEVER match my mani color to my pedi color. EVER. In the summer it's neutral hand/bright foot; winter it's a dark hand/neutral foot. I can't be the only one that does this...right?

Currently manicuring in: Sand In My Suit

2. What the hell is going with Christina Aguilera?!?!! Like I always say, I'm no Kate Moss, but for the love of all things holy, get your shit together X-Tina! Lay off the hairspray and teasing, stop with the Dee Synder makeup (if you don't know who that is, look it up, it's uncanny) and if nothing else, PUT SOME GODDAMN PANTS ON! Does she not have a manager, or a friend or a mirror?          

?!?!!?!?!

Visual Definition of a HOT MESS

1. To me, there is really nothing cuter than a kid with a British accent. A man with one sounds pretty damn good also, but for right now I'm talking about kids. Please tell me you have seen these adorable videos:

Bonus: I didn't really want this to get out, but I watched the KarKASHian wedding special. I'm very disappointed in myself. I'm better than that. But I did learn one thing. And only one thing: I thought Kris (the hubster, not the pimp mom) was too good for Kim, but no Kris isn't good enough for Princess Kim. Now Kim is a spoiled rotten diva who won't shit unless she gets paid for it, but she's still a nice, polite, well mannered girl. Kris is a douche. Khloe is pretty much me in a more expensive outfit and extensions, so if she ain't cool with him, I'm not cool with him.

Grocery Shopping = Mental Breakdown

So I've decided that if I were to ever lose my shit, it would be at the grocery store. I can not remember the last time I went and didn't want to punch myself, or someone else. I took mental notes on how to make my shopping more enjoyable.

1) if you're not of use: stay home! What does standing by the cart do? Besides making the aisle smaller with your big ass. The GS is not like going for coffee, or even to the mall. Leave your friends/sig other where they belong: anywhere I'm not.

2) the GS is not your kitchen, you don't get to just meander about, bouncing between the fridge and a drawer and a cabinet. If you decided to go down an aisle and then change your mind, too damn bad, keep it moving.

3) Speaker phone is NEVER ok. I would ixnay the phone altogether, but I'm guilty of that jackass move myself, so I'll skip that. But what a-bag thinks it's cool for us to hear your entire convo. It's bad enough we have to hear your voice.

To stop or not to stop.

Driving lesson of the day. When there is a stop sign: friggin STOP! I don't understand what the issue is. My favorite is when you're driving along, no one in front of you, no one behind you. Out of nowhere is bat out of hell driver who blows through their STOP SIGN to cut you off. Then suddenly, they warp into the Sunday stroll mode, where they're going 20 mph UNDER the speed limit. Are you f-ing serious? What was the rush to go slow? I doubt it was a failure of your brakes. Dink.

2nd driving lesson of the day: When there isn't a stop sign: DON'T friggin stop! Why why why why why why? A-bag.

Hail to the V? Really?

**When did Summer's Eve decide to go down the douchey road? And yes, the pun is intended. As a feminine product, I'm sure their advertising landscape is somewhat limited, but their recent commercials are disturbing. Their new slogan: Hail To The V. wow.

**So you have an affair with one of the world's most famous MARRIED athletes. He gets caught. He gives you MILLIONS to keep your mouth shut...forever. You last a little over a year. Now you have to give the money back. You are a dumb bitch. A dumb bitch with no money and no life prospects.

**Going to the grocery store has now become a mission for me not to commit homicide. I keep trying to plot the best times to go: NOT on a Sun. Before 5 on weekdays, or even before 3 when school is in. It never helps. I almost had to throw down with a DB at the deli yesterday. So you wanna have 6 kids, fine. I think you're crazy, but hey, it's your "V". So you decide it's a good idea to take them all to the store with you, fine. I think you're an asshole, but it's your decision, just stay outta my way. Now call me crazy but when in a store, you decide to stop and peruse, move your cart out of the middle of the aisle. Now, what would make you think that at the deli, that rule does not apply to you and your soccer team? When I have to literally crawl over your carriage to place my order, DO NOT give ME YOUR attitude. Because that's gonna be a lot of tears when I backhand you.

**My obsession with Young Adult books continues with the new series The Mortal Instruments. Read 'em. You will not be disappointed.

Teacher's pet & True Life

**Last night I went out with my former high school health teacher. I love her. She is such a great person, kind, hilarious and probably the most popular teacher we had. She's a great, non-judgemental listener, who's good for an incredible dirty joke/story while downing drinks. My kind of lady! We went downtown and sat out on the Tap's patio, where we proceeded to comment on every person, group or outfit that passed by. Good times had by all. Hopefully we don't go another 2 years before seeing each other again.


**Just watched the latest episode of MTV's True Life. The title was something like "I'm trying to go straight". Now, not straight like straight edge, no drugs. Straight like I'm gay but I'm gonna try to cure or pretend or pray the gay away. The description of the episode is "two young adults who changed their sexual identities because of the pressure they felt from their families" Are you MF kidding me?! Being the liberal person that I am, I can not fathom that there is a reason for this kind of crazy.

The two kids were a girl from Chicago and a totally effeminate guy from Washington state. At least the girl seemed to really be struggling with what or who makes her happy. She valued the emotional connection above all else. The guy, for the love, was just completely denying who he was and it was just as irritating as it was sad. He goes on and on about how his life as a dating gay man was so miserable and that he was homeless at one point, and now that he's seen the "error of his ways", his life is fulfilling and blessed. Well you were probably homeless because your parents turned their backs on you and kicked you out and now treasure you because you're back on  Then he goes on and on about a girl he met in class and how she seems great, but he doesn't want to get involved with anyone until God lets him know he's ready. Listen, God is not Chuck Woolery, he's not getting involved in your dating life. The reason you don't want to date the girl is because you wanna do it with dudes. Just accept it so we can get back to more important episodes like "I'm an Albino", "I Have Tourette's Syndrome" or "I work in the Sex Industry".


**Every year around this time, ESPN does a week of Make-A-Wish grants for kids to meet their favorite athletes. Sweet Lord, gets me every time. Sobbing like a baby.


** Congrats to the USA women's soccer team. If you're gonna come in 2nd, doing so to the team from a  country only a few months removed from a devastating earthquake and tsunami that killed 25,000 is the way I'd choose it. Plus Hope Solo, while an incredible goalie, has a way of always shoving a foot in her mouth. Last night, she said she was getting tired of always being compared to the '99 USA World Cup winning team. Certainly don't have to worry about that anymore.

Remind me not to drink the water!!

**So evidently the cool thing to do these days is to get pregnant. Shit is an epidemic. During the span of about 6 days, three people told me they were with child, all 12 weeks along, to be exact. F. That's a lot of hormones. Don't come calling me when you're pushing that monster out. As much as I do love a baby, and I do, that's a lot of babies coming...in a short amount of time.

**When is the last time you were shocked to end up at a toll booth? Probably not very often because 1) they tell you as you get on a highway that it is a toll road, and 2) because they give you about 67 heads up on the way to the damn booth. So why is it that I have to wait behind the jackass who is trying to fish through his console for spare change at the window?

**TOTALLY off subject: What is it with murders or whatever doing what they can to avoid the death penalty? If I were on trial for murder (which I'm hoping to never be) and it was life in prison w/o the possibility of parole and the death penalty...sign me up for the chair...or table...or firing squad. The food, the living conditions, the outfits.... I'm all set with spending 50+ years behind bars.

Heat, Hockey and Money Hungry Hussies.

Finally, nice weather has made its appearance. About damn time! We barely had a spring around these parts. It went from snowing, to raining to 85 de-freaking-grees. I'm still shocked that this weekend is Memorial Day weekend. When the hell did that happen? Apparently while it was raining.

Over the last few weeks I have become more thankful than ever about where I live. In New England, we have snow. Sometimes, lots of it, 60, 70, 80+ inches in 2-3 months. But that's it. We suck it up from Dec to Feb and then we move on. These poor people around the country dealing with tornados and hurricanes and flooding just breaks my heart. I hate shoveling out my driveway and car every other day, but at least my safety and the safety of those I love isn't threatened. I hope the worst is over.

                                                                   
In other, less-life-altering news, The Bruins are in the Stanley Cup Finals!!!! YAH! Being completely honest, I don't watch hockey during the regular season, but come playoffs, it just sucks me in! It's so exciting, fast and nerve-wracking it's hard not to watch. But with the Bs success so far this year, it make me think about all the people who must hate Boston and their fans. I mean, come on, we are always winning something. "Boston" and "sports" just go hand in hand. If they aren't winning the Super Bowl, they're winning the World Series, or the NBA Finals in '08. It must get annoying. Not to me. To outsiders. Growing up in this area, I've always longed to live somewhere else, because you know, grass is always greener. But as a sports fan, there is no where else I'd rather be. Now after almost 40 years, the Bruins have a chance to add another trophy to the collection of 6 we've taken home in the past 10 years.




In really unimportant but needs to be addressed news, Kim Media Whore Kardashian is engaged. Why does she have to "sell" everything she does? If it would make her money, I think she would sell her own mother. And because she's just as bad, her mother would collect her 10% manager fee off the sale. As much fun as reality tv can be, the whole "famous with no real talent" thing is starting to become tiresome. Besides what kind of life can you lead when you're lugging around a 20.5 carat boulder on your hand?

For the love!!

Great start to the weekend. On Opening Day, no less.